Subject: Exploitation in LOVE and ARRANGED Marriages

From: [email-masked] (Vikram Duvvoori)
Date: 17 Aug 90 18:34:47 GMT

Amidst all the discussion on arranged and love marriages
are we losing sight of extensive exploitation of women in
marriages, `love' and `arranged'?  In principle, all
relationships can be wonderful if there is enough flexibility
and love. But the question is, how many practical marriages in
India, even amonst the younger generation accept equality of
partners?
	I have had experience with families from the rural
villages, to mega cities in India, and in very few have I found 
marriages where women are treated on par with the man. I do not
want this to be confused with happy marriages. I have seen and
come accross multitude of happy marriages, where both the
partners seem to believe in assymmetry. 
	The most blatant forms of the exploitation of women are
ofcourse the obvious ones - DOWRY, Inspection as a commodity,
judgement on the basis of physical appearance etc. But this 
obvious exploitation of women,is based on millions of subtle
forms of subjugation, all of them with the common underlying
assumption - women are not equal to men, in social status.
	Most of my male friends from schools and colleges, 
IITians and non-IITians, northies and southies, believe
in their God given right to superiority at home. Most of  the 
female friends, seem to be resigned to the `realities of life'.
What saddens me is how the expectations, are lower to even begin
with.
	When we went to India, after getting married here, all 
my relatives thought we were `cute' because we cooked together. 
A friend of mine, (who has had a `love' marriage) thought it was
very funny that I wanted to ask my wife if we could go to his
house for dinner on a certain date. People took me aside, and
asked me in lowered tones, if it was an American custom to
`consult' with wives for `minor' decisions (Frankly, they were
not minor at all).  I replied very seriously, that
to get a visa you need to pass a course where they test all
these things.
	The point I am trying to make, is that in most marriages
there is rarely equal respect for both partners. This is not due
to the lack of love. One frustrated husband in a slightly
troubled marriage once said in exasperation, "Why does she keep
complaining, it is for her own good that I take these decisions
on matters of the REAL WORLD". (Both are doctors, currently in
North America - he really loves her). 
	The most saddenning part to me is that, after prolonged
societal pressures, even very independent highly-educated women
I know, start assimilating these skewed values. I can think of
examples of people very close to me. I am sure everyone of us
has enough examples to relate to.
	
	Looking forward to a future Indian society, where men
and women in a marriage (or men and men, or women and women) are
the best of friends with no hierarchies, in the kitchen or
outside. 

Vikram Duvvoori  ([email-masked])