Subject: Love vs. Arranged Marriages

From: [email-masked] (Sriram Sankar)
Date: 17 Aug 90 17:44:56 GMT

Here's my 2 cents worth on this topic:

1.
This comparison to buying a car is totally meaningless.  If were to
buy a car the three-way ticket style - i.e., let my parents do the
first level of screening, and then choose from among the remaining few
cars, I'd make my choice in at most an hour.  And I guess most of you
would too.  I believe the majority of guys here have spent more effort
(albeit too little) choosing wives than cars.

2.
Which marriages are more stable - arranged or love?  I think I agree
that the two have about the same chance of success given that (a) its
the first marriage in both cases, and that the all involved are
relatively inexperienced.  If its a second marriage, I think the a
love marriage has far greater chances of success than arranged
marriages.  I guess most love marriages amongst Indians are with their
"first love"s - i.e., they are still inexperienced.  However, most
marriages amongst Americans are after they get relatively more
experienced - they know better what they are looking for, and they
know better how to make the other person happy.  Before I get flamed
on this, take note of the word *relatively* in the above statement.
Someone may say, "Then why do you have more divorces here?".  The
answer is simple - divorce is tabooed in India.  If divorces were as
acceptable in India as it is here, I'd guess a large number of the
couples in India would have been divorced by now.

3.
What kind of marriage would I advocate?  I had a love marriage and
have a wonderful relationship with my wife - so I may be biased.  But
there is one thing that love marriages have that arranged marriages
don't - the natural development of a beautiful relationship with a
person of the opposite sex.  There are surely exceptions, so don't
flame me that "I had an arranged marriage and developed that natural,
beautiful relationship".

4.
What's the solution for those of you who are not yet married?
Unfortunately, our society is such that it taboos relationships with a
person of the opposite sex beyond certain limits.  Consequently, a
large number of men and women in India and those who have come here
are extremely shy of interacting with people of the opposite sex.  I
guess, therefore, that the majority of you would go through arranged
marriages.  Given that the girls usually are under more pressure in
these situations, my 2 cents suggestion here is that the girl and the
boy come up with a combined decision as to whether or not they want to
get married - especially if the answer is no from the girl's side.
Just say "We decided NO and thats it".

5.
What's the solution for all of us who are/will bring up our kids and
watch them grow up?  How will you like them to get married?  I think
this is a difficult question, but I believe that the solution lies
here - chances are that our generation is already over the hill (see
4), and so we can make amends with the next generation.  I think
girl-boy relations should be encouraged at an early age, though limits
may certainly need to be set.  I don't think there is anything wrong
with this.  Nice attitudes towards dating, romance, etc. need to be
developed as early as possible.  I'd expect that once these girls and
boys get to the age when they decide its time to get married, they'll
know more what they want and they'll know more how to give.  I
strongly feel that this will help reduce the male-female differential
a lot.  For example, I believe it is easier for society to suppress
sexual desires in girls than in boys.  i.e., I believe that the Indian
society, by tabooing girl-boy relationships at an early age, is
contributing to at least one aspect of the male-female differential
which goes against girls.  I have heard women say things like "I can
live without a man, blah blah blah" and be quite proud of it.  Which
I find very unfortunate.

As I said, (5) is a tricky situation - I have my own feelings, but it
will be nice to hear what others think.

Sriram.