Subject: Love in Arranged Marriages...(60 lines long)

From: [email-masked] (Vikram Duvvoori)
Date: 15 Aug 90 18:50:26 GMT

There has been a spate of articles recently on arranged
marriages and their flaws and virtues.

In his original article, Rao made some excellent points about the
highly deplorable attitudes and societal values reflected in the
functioning of todays arranged marriages. I totally agree with
him on that. However, I do not feel that it necessarily follows,
that this is CAUSED by the practice of arranged marriages. (Rao
did NOT imply that either). 

The success or failure of a marriage depends on the partners,
the sensitivity they have towards one another and their
willingness to understand each other, and change if necessary.
Just before I got married, I got a letter from a close friend of
my wife who was very supportive. She gave me the etymology of 
compromises (promises made with each other), and wished us a 
life of exciting compromises. That I think has been the key to 
a very loving marriage. To us mutual understanding and 
sensitivity has been the key.

It just incidentally happens to be that I have been enjoying a
happy `love' marriage. But we both feel that even if it had been
arranged (accross the continents) it wouldnt have made much of a
difference for the two us. As long as the two individuals approch 
marriage with a willingness to share life completely with an
open mind I think things can be worked out.

If the institution of an arranged marriage, is merely a practice 
to bring together people of potential compatibility, I hope it 
has a place in a society. There are usually two different kinds of
criticisms of this institution - 
1) It works badly in practice, because of the subjugation of
women by man.
2) It can never work in principle, because it doesnt allow two
people to know each other.

I generally tend to agree with the first criticism.

Regarding the very principle of arranged marriages, I strongly
feel that much of the criticism is based on varying expectations
from a life partner. DOES ONE NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING  about the
other person before deciding to get married? From my experience
with a fairly large sample of educated, upper-middle class
marriages, it doesnt seem to be necessary. The more important 
factor seems to be the `meta'- factor. How do you perceive that 
person's general sensitivity, thoughtfulness and flexibility? 
Judging this is usually very situation specific, and may take a 
few minutes or several life times. But there is nothing inherently
limiting in a relaxed setting, where there is an equal respect and 
openness and a better availability of information.

Many of the repugnant practices like parading the girl,
subjecting her to humiliating cross-examinations etc. are
products of our skewed societal values. They need to be
addressed in the overall perspective, and not in the specific
context of arranged marriages.

Wishing everyone a happy (married or single) life...

Vikram Duvvoori  ([email-masked])

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From: [email-masked] (Pankaj Shah)
Date: 17 Aug 90 01:14:22 GMT

For what it's worth:

Having come to the U.S. at a fairly impressionable age of 17 (more than 10 
years ago), I had mixed feelings about this "arranged" marriage system.  The
fact that I wasn't too big a fan of the institution of marriage to begin with
didn't help matters much.  So, when I last went to India (20 months ago), I was
sure that I will return back single.  Well, I didn't.  Actually, we did not 
technically get married in India, but that's another one of these silly INS 
stories.

The big "change" came when I started to consider marriage as a means to join
with someone in a special manner that will provide for mutual social 
dependence.  The questions of children (in the distant future) as well as
other social concerns immediately followed!

*I* personally have never felt as happy (and generally fulfilled) as I do now
and done so for the past year-and-a-half.  Even after making the commitment
and coming back alone from India, I wasn't sure this would work out.  I 
suddenly started thinking about things I didn't know about her, etc.  However,
for as skeptical as I was about the whole "arrangement", things have worked out
MUCH better than any 'ideal' relationship I can imagine out here (whether with
an Indian or otherwise).  

One BIG difference, of course, was that the marriage wasn't quite arranged for 
us.  Our relatives arranged our first meeting, and let things develop among the
two of us.  We then approached them AFTER having decided that we'd like to get 
married.  In fact, I called my folks after having arranged the engagement 
ceremony -- I was in a real hurry, as I had used up most of my vacation.

So, believe what you want.  But try to keep an open mind as to changes that
might come forth with your future endeavors.  I believe that that made my
most recent trip to India as soul-stirring and rewarding as 10 weeks in India
could ever be.  I also tend to go with my feelings much more than the typically
analytical people I associate with, so I still can't imagine such turnaround
among others around me.

Pankaj "Hewlett-Packard didn't say the above, *I* did" Shah.